Hit PLAY on this one to have me read this to you in my JD from Scrubs style way.
Way back when, sometime in 2005/6ish, I was a victim of the most polite mugging come-sales pitch ever.
My friend Luke and I were wandering back to a party, having been to the shops for supplies. Like the rapscallions we were back then, we took a shortcut through the church graveyard. Because most of my life is a sitcom / teen-drama, we were absolutely approached by some hoodlums. Well, as dangerous as you can get for a rural market town in Kent. They managed to both surround and separate us. Luke was marched off and I was left with the head chav.
‘Gimmi your phone’ he lisped. In my memory, possibly to quell the trauma, he had a lisp. That may or not have been true, but roll with me on this – I’m getting to the point.
‘You really don’t want my phone’, I chortled back.
After a bit of a standoff, he seemed to really like the idea of getting his hands on my Alctal One Touch 332. A phone once described as ‘Too basic for its own good’ by tech reviewers. Upon handing it over, he examines it, goes through my FULL inbox of 10 (yes TEN) messages and then – like an absolute madman, hands me the thing back. To my knowledge, this may be the first recorded case of a mugging resulting in forced return of property. Short of saying ‘eww’ – he just shrugged and gave it back and gestured like I was now free from this situation.
After a few steps, he summons me back. His tone has now completely changed, posture is much more accommodating but his odour of 20 B&H gold still lingers.
‘Do you wanna buy a phone?’ he says, with entrepreneurial spirit. His hands were now reaching into a bag with various loose models of phone rattling around.
‘If I could buy a phone, I wouldn’t have this one.’ I said, with full Chandler Bing swag while returning my phone to my pocket as I left the makeshift office of a now parking lot in Cranbrook. Luke (who was only shoved around) also kept hold of his belongings and the shittest mugging ever was over.
I’ve told that story for about 20 years now – and it still makes me smile.
Fast-forwarding to today, I just had some new cameras arrive from Google. The big G decided to add Fitbit Premium and Nest Aware to my subscription, at no extra cost. So naturally – I’ve now bought the scales and cameras to continue building my walled-garden. The camera was both on-sale and I had credit – and I get 10% back on all purchases as store credit.
Similar to a two-decade old story – my current living situation is non-threatening. In fact, Rookley is so sedate – I am the 4th longest serving member of the town’s current Parish Council. The closest we’ve come to violence in my time here is usually from me – when someone parks in my spot.
Was a Nest Cam from Google really necessary? No. But as Asher spends a bit more time alone – it’s good to keep an eye on him – speak to him and, should he do anything hilarious – have it captured on a cloud server forever.
In fact, let me re-define our most dangerous thing in Rookley. That bastard with unattended food. Heck, even the attended food is fair game to him. Sprockerdile and a half.
My home used to just be a place where I didn’t lock the door and didn’t mind about my stuff. Now, for some reason – I do care, and am investing in keeping this draft of my life safe. Or at least document the dog food-surfing anything and everything.
Also, oat milk is fucking expensive – so if anyone stole that, I’d need them in HD so I could hunt them down and headbutt them. You can see it now, I approach them suddenly, demand it back – and if they don’t have it… I’ll reach into my pocket and say;
‘Would you like to buy some?’
Fuck.
